October? October.

Options scare me. Less is more when it comes to decision making. It’s the difference in choosing between The Cheesecake Factory book menu versus a one-page menu. The anxiety is way down, and I can trust the restaurant to know what parameters are best for the food there.

 

August 3, my World Race Squad received an email with Cheesecake Factory type options. Of course, our decision here affects a little more than the enjoyment of our next meal. However, I experienced similar discomfort in deciding.

 

I knew signing up for the World Race would be way different than my expectations. I just thought I had some more time before that experience started.

 

It is no secret 2020 is different than we all imagined. I have been pretty flexible with all the changes and cancelations and heartbreaks it has brought. Until this moment.

 

Our options were

• Launch in October, starting in America until borders open up (aiming for January)

• Defer launch to January 2021 with more likelihood of a solely international route

• Various route options here

• Defer launch to August 2021 with more guarantee of fluid international routes

• Various route options here as well

 

Upon reading the email, my draw was for October. The struggle came when not many of my friends shared the same conviction.

 

The week before, I finally met up with many of my squadmates. It felt like the beginning of our journey together. Being unified in this mission made way for deep connections.

 

I had been avoiding many connections here because I feared the abandonment of friendships I already had. However, God prepared the way by canceling the volleyball camp previously scheduled for the weekend right after I had gotten all my shifts picked up from work. It was so evident God paved the way for my time here.

 

True healing happened this week and freedom was experienced. I finally decided to open my heart to this group, and now that heart is breaking.

 

A feeling all too familiar. I was angry to be here again.

 

I knew October was for me. From the beginning, October was what drew me in. I had not seen a route in October before, and the announcement felt so personal. It is my birthday month, and I graduated months before. I felt Jesus say, “Look this is for you.”

 

Then, 2020 really happened. The anger and disappointments felt in my country this year stirred my heart for my home. While I was tired of it and wanted to leave, I knew I had a responsibility here. This opportunity to start stateside showed me the space God was preparing in my heavy heart for my home.

 

I just could not grasp the point of my breaking heart for this new community. I tried to avoid connections here for this fear. Then, I put fear aside and walked boldly. Only to meet heartbreak again?

 

The good thing is the same people who sent the email with The Cheesecake Factory options knew the situation they presented, so they limited our time for a decision to one week.

 

This of course did not give me much time to spiral down all the irrational “what ifs.” I only had time for a couple. Then, Jesus reminded me of His goodness. He brought me back to poetry where He speaks so beautifully. He gave me this poem.

 

The time with this community is beautiful in and of itself for purposes much larger than the moments.

 

Then, He gave me consistent counsel to stop the irrational spirals as well as to remind me of the freedom and discernment Jesus lends to us in these moments. I went back to the poem realizing I already made the decision.

 

So, October? October.